Nothing says Christmas like being a bit of a hypocrite

It's fairly well documented, that I don't really like Christmas.  Pretty much everyone knows this.  When I mentioned to my friend Tom that I was making a Christmas cake, he was genuinely shocked - you hate Christmas, he argued, Aliens have taken over your body haven't they?  I don't hate it, I just find that it goes on WAY too long.  

Christmas things are in the shops at the beginning of August.  If it started at the beginning of December I could probably cope a lot better.

Anyway, this year I am looking forward to Christmas marginally more than usual.  The Very Tolerant Boyfriend and I are spending it together at home with no guests, which helps.  And he loves Christmas and, you know, I want him to be happy.

So I agreed to make a Christmas cake.  I've never done this before.  I've helped my mother as a small child, but in the last decade and a half, I can confidently say that I have not participated in the production of one of these items.  Obviously I had absolutely no idea how to make it and I did have a quick think about outsourcing it to my little sister; but apparently she was all busy getting married or some such nonsense.  So I had a google and came up with this recipe

Ingredients 

  
450 g currants

175 g sultanas
175 g raisins
50 g glace cherries, chopped
50 g candied fruit, chopped
1/2 cup brandy
225 g flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (fresh)
1/2 teaspoon mixed spice
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
225 g butter
225 g soft brown sugar, the gooey sort
4 large eggs
50 g chopped almonds
1 tablespoon treaclelemon, rind of
orange, rind of
orange, juice of 


*Soak all the fruit, peel and nuts over night in the brandy and orange juice.  Stir regularly.
*Pre heat the oven to 140C*line an 8 inch tin 
*Sift the flour salt and spices into a large mixing bowl.
*In a separate bowl cream the butter and sugar together until the mixture's fluffy.
*Beat the eggs and add them a little at a time.
*Fold in the flour and spices. 
*Stir in the fruit that has been soaking along with any excess liquid.
*Mix in the treacle.
*Spoon into the cake tin and spread out evenly.
*Cover the cake with a double square of greaseproof paper with a small hole in the top. 
*Bake the cake on the lower shelf for 4& 1/4- 3/4 hours

So after you've cooked it for nearly FIVE hours, you want to take a wooden skewer and poke holes in it (once it has cooled).  Then you wrap it in a double layer of baking parchment - I added a layer of tin foil too - and then pop it in a air tight container.

Then you need to feed the cake.  You're meant to drizzle a couple of teaspoons of brandy over the cake once a week for the next month or so.  I might have got a little bit carried away at this point.  I was sloshing on the brandy/rum/whisky every few days.  I am now seriously concerned that someone might have some cake and then try and drive.

But to look on the bright side, I do have an incredibly moist and rich looking fruit cake.  

When it came to icing the Very Tolerant Boyfriend had purchased some cake decorations, but afterwards I found a polar bear cupcake on Pinterest, which I thought I could up-scale to a full sized cake,

And it worked ok, I think.

We used the decorations that had been bought to create a random wintery scene at the front of the cake board.

All in all I am quite pleased with out effort, but I'll let you know how it tastes when I cut it open and feed it to our friends tomorrow night.

Steak Porn

As a treat, for nearly making it through the year without either of us dying, the Very Tolerant Boyfriend and I decided to treat ourselves to some utterly epic steaks.  Steaks of such beauty and magnitude that they would (and did) make grown men weep.

It had been a really beautiful day, bright and crisp.  We’d walked into town for a spot of lunch, picked up a few Christmas presents and then had half an hour to before meeting some friends to see an exhibition and have some cake.  As we were too far away from our usual butchers to get there and back in time, we ventured into Source in St Nicks; I’ve really only ever been in there for lunch before but their deli butchers is amazing.  The guy who served us was really knowledgeable about the meat, and didn’t try and push us towards the most expensive cut.

After opting for some T-bones (we didn’t listen to the butcher’s advice) we stood watching them  and a small crowd gathered around us to admire them.  The other butchers stopped their work to marvel.  It really sounds like I’m making this up, but I’m not. They were cut very thick, which is is the only way to eat steak and Source's meat is all aged for at least 28 days.

Anyway, when we finally got the beautiful steaks home, we left them out for an hour to bring them up to room temperature and marinated them in a measure of whisky and a measure of balsamic vinegar for an hour.  The steaks were so big that when we came to cook them, we had to use a separate griddle pan for each one.  We cooked them for five minutes on each side, turning them only once.  Mine was done to perfection, but the Very Tolerant Boyfriend’s which was slightly bigger might have benefited from another minute in the pan.

Served with baked sweet potatoes and sweet chilli broccoli.

Primed for ribs

This weekend lots of good things happened.  We finally finished off the flat and the new tenants took possession of the keys, my gorgeous nephew turned two and my lovely friend Clare came to see me.  To celebrate all of these things I decided to make some of my trademark awesome ribs in BBQ sauce.

This is one of my favourite dishes ever.  I had them for Christmas dinner last year, I think we'll be having them for Christmas Eve this year.  Well traditions have to start somewhere, like the traditional Christmas otter.

So I took three racks of pork ribs and boiled them with some peppercorns for thirty minutes.  Then I made the sauce.

BBQ Sauce

• tomato sauce 3/4 cup
• coke (full fat) 3/4 cup
• 2 tbspn of Worcester sauce
• 4 tbspn balsamic vinegar 
• 2 clove of garlic crushed
• tbsp soft brown sugar
• 1/2 tsp of paprika

simmer for 15 minutes until it thickens, adjusting quantities to taste

Remove the ribs from the boiling water and brush the BBQ sauce all over both sides with a pastry brush.  Pour any remaining BBQ sauce over the ribs, cover and set to one side for a couple of hours - preferably over night.

When you're ready to eat heat the oven to 170 degrees and bake for 45 minutes.

I tried to take a picture, but I only managed to get one of the leftovers

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Fright Night

So it’s Halloween, my favourite holiday and time for some spooky treats.  Well, not really that spooky to be honest.  Just using up left over pumpkins.

A few years ago, my little sister introduced me to the idea of using templates to carve pumpkins.  A revelation which made me forsake the basic face pumpkin forever.  I downloaded the templates online.  A quick google image search will turn up a whole raft of options.  Cut the template to size and tape it to the hollowed out pumpkin.  Then using a skewer push through the paper into the flesh of the pumpkin, following the lines of the template.  Remove the paper and start to carve round the outline.  Carve the most delicate parts first.

The Very Tolerant Boyfriend rebelled against my "no faces" regime, and free-styled a very good pumpkin face.  I think he might just be more creative than me.

Normally I am terrible for throwing away the inside of the pumpkins.  This year I roasted the pumpkin seeds.

Wash all the residual flesh from the seeds, toss them in paprika, olive oil, salt and maybe some cumin and then roast them at 150 degrees for an hour.  Once they’ve cooled they’re a delicious tasty treat which the Very Tolerant Boyfriend has become quite addicted to.  Probably because he’s been forced to give up crisps for Stoptober. 

Speaking of Stoptober, the month is very nearly at its end so there should be a slew of cakes coming the way of this blog fairly shortly.  The Very Tolerant Boyfriend and I are going to celebrate surviving by having Not Afternoon Tea at Harvey Nicks – Cakes and Cocktails.

New obsessions

It's quite a well documented fact that I am utterly obsessed with broccoli.  I am not too sure where this came from, I remember texting Charlie once telling her I was going to bathe in broccoli and things kind of went from there.  Next thing you know the Very Tolerant Boyfriend was giving me broccoli shaped jewellery for my birthday.

I like this dish because it combines two of my very favourite vegetables, broccoli (obviously) and my current obsession beetroot.  I'm something of a late life adopter of beetroot.  I think as early as the beginning of this year, I wouldn't have eaten it through choice.  I am hoping that this happens with olives as well.  I am desperate to like olives.  I think it will be a sign that I am finally grown up.

Sticky pork with broccoli and beetroot

• 1 head(s) broccoli, broken into small florets (I used tenderstem broccoli because I prefer it)
• 30 mls runny honey
• 30 mls sherry (left over white wine)
• 30 mls soy sauce
• 15 mls sunflower or groundnut oil
• 300g/11oz pork strips for stir-frying (I used a finely sliced pork tenderloin)
• 4  vacuum-packed natural beetroot, quartered
• chili flakes (optional)
• 1 small bunch fresh coriander, chopped

---

Method

1. Steam broccoli till just tender, drain and set aside. 
2. In a small bowl, whisk together honey, sherry and soy sauce and set aside.
3. Heat oil in a wok. When really hot, add pork and chili and stir-fry till just cooked through. Pour in sauce and bubble till it starts to thicken. Add broccoli and beetroot to pan. 
4. Sprinkle with chopped coriander.  (I threw on some chopped peanuts as a last minute thought)

 I think that this could use some more chili and possibly some garlic as well at the start, but the dish is fairly delicious and quick.  Because we're not eating a huge amount of carbs during the week at the minute, I served this with some green beans.  I think it's meant to be served with rice.

Salad days

So this month is apparently "Stoptober", it's one of these uber trendy made up words, trying to piggy back off the success of Movember ,  Both of which are undeniably good causes, but for some reason irritate me beyond the boundaries of rational thought.  Mainly I think because I can't join in with Movember, so I feel all excluded and hurt.

Actually I can't technically join in with Stoptober either, as I don't smoke, but I've decided to hijack it for my own ends.  One of my sister and my more unattractive traits is our extreme competitiveness.  People don't like playing games with us.  So when I wanted someone to challenge to my very own Stoptober, the answer was clear. Then the very tolerant boyfriend offered to join in, and so the game was afoot.

The rules are these;

No cake

No biscuits

No tarts

No chocolate

No sweets
No crisps

No tasty baked goods of the sweet persuasion of any kind.

Which basically means that this blog is going to be VERY boring for the next four weeks.

The game obviously requires complete and utter honesty from all participants.  It's going to be very hard for the Very Tolerant Boyfriend and I to monitor my little sister, so we'll have to trust her to tell us the truth.  Anyway, the winner is to be the person who lasts the longest without cracking and ramming all of the cake in sight into their face.  The two losers will buy the winner a small present of some nature.

So I thought I would show you one of my favourite salads instead.  It's ridiculously simple to make and it goes with pretty much anything.

Beetroot, Feta and Pea

4 x cooked beetroot diced

2 cups of frozen peas (cooked and cooled)

50g Feta Cheese diced.

mix together, put in your mouth,

Told you it was simple. 

What's the best thing you can do with bacon?

Add maple.  Obviously.  Or in this case add maple, pecan and bourbon and make Maple, bacon, bourbon and pecan cookies.

They sound weird, they sound like they shouldn't work, but strangely enough they do.  And they are really, really good.  So good in fact that I got my proper camera out to take picture of them, rather than using whatever phone was lying to hand as usual.

Look, I properly staged the picture and everything. The people of pinterest would be almost proud of me. 

Anyway, when you've all finished laughing at marveling over my photographic skills, I suggest you have a go at making these.

Ingredients

• 1 cup butter, softened (225g to you and me.  I have NO idea how you are meant to get a cup of butter.   Do you melt it?)
• 1 ½ cups sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon maple extract - I couldn't find any so substituted for a tablespoon of maple syrup
• 2 tablespoons bourbon
• 2 ¼ cups flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 cups pecan pieces
• ½ cup crispy bacon pieces (about 8 ounces of bacon cooked to crispy)

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees. Line trays with baking paper.  I needed four.
2. Cream together the butter and the sugar until fluffy.
3. Add the eggs and combine well, and then add the maple extract  syrup and the bourbon and combine really well.
4. Add the dry ingredients to the batter and mix until you have a sticky dough.
5. Add the pecan pieces and bacon to the batter and mix well.
6. Scoop the cookie dough by the spoonful onto the prepared sheet pans and bake for 14 minutes at 180 degrees.

Remember to let them cool properly.  I think mine could have handled an extra two or three minutes in the oven as they're quite soft and crumbly.  But they're delicious and bacon filled so I will forgive them for this.

Big birthdays, bigger cakes

My little sister, one of my very favourite people in the whole world, recently turned 30.  I’m not really sure how that happened, because the last time I checked she was very definitely 16.

She asked me to make her a birthday cake, then she asked me to write about it on this blog.  Fortunately I made the cake more promptly than I wrote this post (her birthday was over a month ago –I’m ashamed of myself). I’ve been trying to get her to write a guest post for me for a while.  Hopefully showing you all her birthday cake will push her to get her guest blogging skills into action.

Anyway – it was her birthday, she was 30, she likes shiny things; so I combined a little of Cake A with a little of Cake B and made her a Surprise Rainbow Cake.

Basically this was the top tier of Charlie and Simon’s wedding cake, with the inside hollowed out and filled with smarties.  I bought 3kg of smarties on ebay for this enterprise.  There were quite a lot left over.

I found someone on the internet to make the sparkly cake topper for her.  Normally I would link to the website I used, but to be honest the customer service wasn’t great, so I’m not going to.  If you want your own sparkly cake topper you’ll need to search google yourself.

Most epic sandwich in the history of ever.

This weekend we had some wallpaper to strip and we needed some help.  So we did what any sane person does in this situation and bribed our friends with sandwiches and beer.

The tolerant boyfriend bought the beer and I made the sandwich.  It really was the most epic sandwich in the history of ever.  It did lunch for five people.

To make this you will need

• a loaf of nice bread
• 2 chicken breasts -cut into strips
• 2 onions
• 2 courgettes
• 2 red peppers
• 2 yellow peppers
• 2 balls of mozzarella - sliced
• jar of pesto
• 1 bulb of garlic

Pop the peppers directly on to the open gas flame of the hob, turning until they are blackened all over.  Put the peppers into a bowl, cover with clingfilm and set to one side.  After 20 minutes, remove the peppers from the bowl and run under the cold tap.  The blackened skin should slide off.  Dry and cut the peppers in the quarters, removing the seeds.

Cut the onions and courgettes into chunks, drizzle with oil and put in the oven at 180C to roast with the bulb of garlic.  Cook until soft and browning.

Fry off the chicken breasts in a little oil and set to one side to cool.

Cut the top off the loaf of bread and retain.  Scoop out the soft inside (this should be frozen to make breadcrumbs at a later date) and then spread pesto over the inside of the hollowed out loaf.

Pack the ingredients into the loaf in layers, pressing down firmly with the back of a spoon between each layer. When you genuinely can't fit anything else in, spread some pesto over the lid of the loaf and replace on the top.  Wrap in clingfilm and keep in the fridge over night.

Slice into wedges and serve.  Force your friends to fulfill your every whim for ever more.

What I did on my holidays aged 33 1/4

The very tolerant boyfriend and I are on holidays at the moment.  We've come to stay in a beautifully remote and quiet cottage in Wales, which we borrowed from my equally tolerant parents.  It's blissful here.  We've mainly been sleeping, walking in the hills and drinking wine.

We decided to treat ourselves to a really special three course dinner one night.  The menu was a subject of some debate in the weeks running up to our break.  We might have been looking forward to this holiday quite a lot, if you hadn't guessed.

We started with poached asparagus on toast with hollandaise sauce, a suggestion which we had found in one of the excellent Rachel Allen cookbooks.  We'd thought that hollandaise sauce was going to be a struggle, after watching numerous Masterchef contestants cock it up this year.  Maybe it was beginners luck, but the very tolerant boyfriend pulled off an amazing hollandaise. Not a hint of scrambled eggs in sight.

The main was a suggestion from the lovely Charlie.  We did a Bill Granger, spiced pomegranate slow cooked shoulder of lamb  with a bulgar wheat and pomegranate salad and some flat breads.  Words can not describe how good this was.  Make it, make it now.  The left overs also make amazing wraps for lunch the next day.

The Lamb

2kg/4lb shoulder of lamb, bone in
1 lemon
4 tbsp pomegranate molasses
1 tbsp olive oil
1½ tsp ground allspice
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp dried chilli flakes
4 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp salt

We marinaded the lamb overnight, although the recipe doesn't call for this.

We also used about half that amount of lamb as there were only two of us.  This reduced the cooking time from 4 1/2 hours to about 3, but we kept the spice mix the same and the results were very pleasing indeed.

Cook the lamb in a roasting tin for 30 mins at 200 C, remove from the oven cover tightly with foil
 making sure it's quite sealed round the edges.  Then return to the oven and reduce the temperature to 140 C for the next three hours.  The recipe called for the lamb to be cooked for another 30 mins with the foil removed at the end, but ours absolutely did not require it.  The meat fell from the bone, tender and beautifully spiced.

For the salad
200g/7oz bulgur wheat
Juice 1 lemon
2 garlic cloves, crushed
¼ tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground allspice
3 tbsp olive oil
Small bunch flat-leaf parsley, leaves only
Small bunch mint, leaves only
1 red onion, sliced
100g/3½oz pomegranate seeds
Mix together the spices, lemon juice and oil into a dressing, then throw the rest of the ingredients in and toss.

For the flatbreads I used this recipe, but I only made up half of in and in the event, we ate one each rather than the seven I made.

basic dough:
strong, white bread flour 500g
salt 10g
instant yeast 10g
unsalted butter 30g
water about 300mls

When the dough has been proved, roll out small rounds and then brush each side with olive oil before dry frying.

We paired this with an excellent Lebanese red wine, which was a recommendation from one of my favourite wine shops Corks of Cotham.  They're excellent when it comes to recommending good wine.  I get to go in and tell the quys who work there what I'm cooking and they never fail to come up with something unusual to go with it.  Bristolians, go forth and purchase wine from them.

For dessert I did a Raspberry crème brûlée.  Mainly because I like playing with blowtorches to be totally honest.  

• 250ml double cream
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract (the stuff with the seeds, that I use when I'm too lazy for vanilla pods)
  
• 50g caster sugar (plus extra for the topping)
• 3 egg yolks.
  
  
  Preheat the oven to 150C.  Add the vanilla to the cream and heat to boiling point, then reduce the heat and simmer gently.  
  
  
  At the same time add the egg yolks to the sugar and beat until pale and fluffy.  Bring the cream back up to boiling point and then pour over the egg mixture, whisking continuously until it starts to thicken, which indicates that the eggs have started to cook. 
  
  
  Pop some fresh raspberries in the bottom of the ramekins and then pour over the mixture.  Put the ramekins in a bain-marie and then bake for 40-45 minutes.  They should be set, but still wobbly in the middle when they're done.  
  
  
  Fridge overnight and then scatter with sugar before caramelising with the blowtorch (we might have got carried away at this point) before serving.  
  
  
  The next day we went and walked up a VERY big hill to try and burn some of this off.